Greetings and Salutations,
In my youth, I read a book. It was called “The Art of War”. Why did I read it you may ask? Good question. Anyway, I will be talking about becoming a national disturbance just like myself. There are many ways that you can walk this path but all national disturbances have one thing in common…Autism. But the genius kind. How do you acquire this superpower? Good question. Anyway, here is a step-by-step list on becoming the best worst national disturbance.
1. Learn to fly an airplane.
Now, since you have autism, this should be pretty easy. But why should you know how to fly an airplane? Good question. Anyway, once you know how to fly, transportation becomes a lot faster and easier. And the best part…it’s bad for the environment. It’s incredibly despicable because when you’re in a rush to get to the other side of the country you can cause the climate to get warmer. Genius.
2. Pick a niche
This is crucial to becoming a national disturbance, but the best kinds of national disturbances are the ones that are not illegal and are mildly inconvenient (to an extent). For example, put nutella (shout out to nutella) on the toilet paper in public bathrooms or more specifically, in Taco Bell. Why Nutella and not your poop? Because if you put poop on toilet paper and leave it like that you’re not a national disturbance anymore. You deserve to be in an insane asylum with all the other crazy people.
3. The last step
What is the last step? Good Question.
4. That was not the last step
The next step is to gamble your life’s saving, win $1,000,000 in blackjack, spend it all on honey buns and firecrackers, put the firecrackers in the honey buns, act like a homeless person on drugs (don’t do drugs), and throw them at people on the street. Preferably people who work in accounting and marketing. Why? Good question. Being a homeless person is very important in this situation since it is a well-known fact that homeless people can not be arrested or thrown in jail.
5. The actual last step…
Alright…so the last step is get Taco Bell right before it closes. You have to go right before it closes to upset the workers. Then have a nice dinner because you deserve it. At the end of the day, you should wear your helmet and eat those crayons because you did great making the climate warmer, keeping marketing people off the streets, and creating horrible public bathroom experiences.
ANYWAY! Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more newsletters and genius ideas. Again, please reach out if you are interested in Volcano Insurance.
Anonymously,
Wild Wipes Draws