Today, on July 7, 2026, I, CEO of Wild Wipes Draws and my whole company, declare war on Starbucks. The Company of Starbucks is not just selling coffee, but is selling lies and deceit. They have convinced a whole generation that “venti” is a real word and is a size for a drink. There is no such thing as a “pink drink” at a coffee shop. Each time I go to Starbucks, they sell outrageous concoctions of various poisons that make people forget how to drive. How do I know this? Good question. Last time I went to Starbucks, My sister bought an outrageous drink full of colors and, disturbingly, NO COFFEE! I, myself, bought a coffee with no milk or sugar. When she went to drive, she couldn’t. I was scared for my life. She almost hit 4 pedestrians and ran off the road several times. (sshe is not the best driver and usually drives like that. But i still think that the Starbucks drink has something to do with it.) The most outrageous part of the coffee that i had was that i started craving avocado toast. This is not normal for any human being.
Please. Help me fight this war. We must fight so that our children do not eat avocado toast for breakfast and eat tofu for dinner! We must fight back with their own tactics. We must order in the normal sizes (small, medium, large) and not in their stupid, non-english, stupid sizes (venti, big, grand). THIS IS AMERICA!! We must drink coffee from Dunkin’!! American runs on Dunkin’!!
If you are willing to fight for future generations, please sign up to this newsletter to register to fight this war against Starbucks. They may release a new “drink” with more outrageous colors that will end our world as we know it. Please help us.
Anonymously,
Wild Wipes Draw